People often ask me about boundaries; they want to know how to set and manage healthy boundaries. Mostly, what they really want to know is how to manage other people. They want to get other people to behave according to their own preferences.
Well, here’s the thing, GOOD boundaries are not about managing other people. They are about managing yourself. But how do you do that? Boundaries are usually set verbally and then managed physically.
The first level, in healthy boundary setting, is to get really clear about the life you want to live and the person you want to be. I know that may sound strange, but this clarity about your personal vision will automatically help you determine your boundaries.
For example, let’s pretend you are looking to find a romantic partner and will use some dating websites to attract potential partners. If you post that you are a vegetarian and are against killing animals, some potential partners will automatically eliminate...
The complaints I hear most often are:
“He just ignores my boundaries.”
“He trespasses right over me and I just feel bullied.”
“I tell him to stop it, but he doesn’t even seem to hear me.”
“I even try yelling and he just says I should stop complaining all the time.”
“It feels like I’m invisible.”
In my first marriage, I tried to tell my husband how to treat me better.
For instance, I’d ask him to please leave gas in the tank, and never leave my car with an empty tank.
I carefully explained how an empty tank can be dangerous for a woman if she gets stranded on the road.
It didn’t seem to matter how many times I told him.
He just didn’t seem to “get” it.
It made me feel ignored and unloved….and very, very frustrated!
I have a friend who tells me she often feels disrespected by her teenage children.
They say negative, and...
Every year my daughter, Jillena, creates a new Valentine, from an annual photo shoot with her daughter.
Each year she chooses a picture from the photo shoot to create a unique Valentine's card.
The picture above is my daughter Jillena and her daughter, Starlee, from their 2017 Valentine.
Jillena sends her Valentines to over 200 friends, both male, and female.
Along with the card, she sends a message, which goes something like this:
"You're getting this card because you're special to me. I love you! When I was young my mother (Angeline) would give me a Valentine's card every year and tell me that she loved me. She explained that I didn't need a boyfriend to give me a card, because she loved me. Now, I'm passing that same love along to you. You don't need a lover to give you a card, or candy or flowers, to show that you are lovable. If you want candy or flowers to celebrate this day, I encourage you to give them to yourself. But, please know that you are loved, just as you are!"
As we head toward February, the month of LOVE, are you shopping for a Man… like shopping for a car?
Recently I was thinking about replacing my Lexus, with my dream car.
I went to a couple of my favorite dealerships: Lexus and Mercedes.
I knew exactly what I wanted for my dream car. It’s a short list:
A 4-seat hybrid convertible, with air and automatic, and a light-colored interior.
While I was at the dealerships, it occurred to me that shopping for a car is a lot like “shopping” for a man.
Some women have told me they make a list of what they want in a man.
The theory is that a list will activate the Law of Attraction and help them manifest what they want.
There is some wisdom in this because it never hurts to get clear about what you want.
You can search online at the “dealerships.”
Maybe you want something hot and sexy, or perhaps a sportier model?
Maybe it’s the power that turns you on, or perhaps reliability is high on your list.
What’s your style?
And what are you attracting?
As you know, every guy is going to LOOK when a Lamborghini drives by.
But not every guy WANTS a Lamborghini, even if he had the money.
Some guys are going to say “No, cuz it’s high maintenance, it has no room to carry my camping gear, and the gas mileage is terrible.”
Given a choice, some guys really want a Jeep…. or an SUV …. or a gas-efficient Prius.
But not every guy is going to LOOK when a Prius drives by.
So, should the little gas-efficient Prius try to change itself to resemble a Lamborghini, so that all the guys will LOOK?
No, because then it would lose the appreciation of the guys who really WANT a Prius.
I’m sure you can guess where I’m headed with this analogy.
Yes, most every guy is going to look when a Playboy Barbie walks by.
But some guys are also going to say to themselves, “No, she’s too high maintenance, she...
Are money worries messing with your relationships?
Money issues are the #1 conflict in most relationships!
What would be different if you had a secure financial future?
What could life be like if you made the income you want?
It’s hard to imagine this when paying your bills each month is a struggle. Maybe you just get angry, worried, and shut down, or put everything on an autopay credit card? Which, of course, only makes things worse. Maybe you have no idea where your money is going each month. You just hope there is enough money in the bank account to cover it! It can feel easier to live paycheck to paycheck than to look back and see where your money went. Or to look forward and see the bills you can’t pay and the stuff you can’t do.
We get it. We’ve been there! The reality is if you don’t have a “positive association” with money - no amount of money will solve your problems.
There are millionaires who live in a Mindset of scarcity,...
When I told my Mom that I wanted to divorce my husband of 20 years, she said, "Are you crazy!?!"
"Why would you leave a man who doesn't beat you, isn't an alcoholic, doesn't gamble away his paycheck, or cheat on you?"
Maybe you think I'm crazy too, because your relationship was worse than mine, and yet you stayed?
So many women are tolerating unhappy relationships.
It’s a pain-filled situation.
Maybe you stay for "the sake of the kids” because you don't want them to have a broken family.
But, if you and he are just circling around each other, making snide remarks,
with hurt and angry looks and passive-aggressive behaviors...
then your relationship...and family... is already broken.
And the kids are living with the daily tension and negativity.
Personally, I chose to leave FOR my kids’ sake.
The thought of my daughters growing up to believe that an unhappy relationship was the best they could expect, broke my heart to the core.
I wanted them to see a strong...
As we head into the Holidays, focusing on thankfulness, peace, and joy, my thoughts go back to past times and friends.
My wife Angeline and I have rented out rooms throughout our marriage to a colorful array of people with different languages and cultures. We’ve had, mostly, good fortune picking positive & upbeat renters.
We think of our kitchen as sort of an “energy vortex.” Periodically we end up there, sharing a meal or just hanging out and talking with housemates.
Once in a while, Angeline or I will develop a deeper than-usual attachment to one of the people we’re sharing our home with. I am going to talk about a housemate I came to deeply appreciate and the things I learned through my association with him.
The Bedouins are a nomadic Arab tribespeople, whose wealth was often reflected by the number of camels they owned. I know because a Bedouin lived in our home for a time. His name was Yami and we called him “Sweet...
In our Academy of Relationship Mastery, we have a monthly Book Club. This month we are reviewing Debbie Ford’s Dark Side of the Light Chasers. In it, she encourages us to release the mask we have created for the world to see. It’s a mask to hide our shame, our shadow so that people will only see the “face” we believe is acceptable. She explains that when we embrace our shadow side, we will find hidden treasure.
The following story is about me “embracing” or fully acknowledging and accepting, my shadow side.
When WWII ended, my Dad came home, married my Mom, and in the next seven years, they had seven children, of which I am the eldest. Dad, an Oklahoma farm boy, was the first in his family to go to college. My mother, who was raised on a struggling ranch in Arizona, had experienced severe poverty, sometimes with nothing to eat. Neither had many skills for managing money and times were tough. In addition, Mom had few domestic skills,...
Frankly, I find the above quote really annoying, because, of course, everybody would love themselves...if they knew how!
So, why don't we know how?
Because, early in your childhood you received numerous messages that you weren't okay; not perfect enough, or well behaved, or good looking, or not smart, or whatever.
Back then you were too young to filter out the messages you received.
You didn't realize that your parents criticized you because they didn't feel perfect enough either. They didn't really love themselves enough, so they tried to fix it by "fixing" you.
But, it didn't work....you just felt imperfect, and therefore not lovable.
So now what are you supposed to do?
Go into therapy? Good grief, it takes forever, and costs a mint!
Speaking of money, a LOT of people are spending a LOT of money on cosmetic surgery, to try to be more lovable.
I even heard of a woman who is having her second toes shortened, so her feet will be more perfect. Yikes!
There's a lot of self-rejection going...